jesus f’n christ….people! if you have a complaint, gripe, bitch etc., take it to someone who can do something about it (if something can be done about it)….not just to the person in front of you. seriously! getting ridiculously tired of listening to irrelevant prettiness….ya a little tired and grouchy today…could ya tell? 🙂
the chirping of the birds seem loud this morning, but i suppose it is only the relative absence of other noises that highlights their calls. in vancouver at this time of the dawning day i still would hear the murmur of traffic, here at j.’s i am left instead to listen to only the click of the key board keys and the birds singing in the day…and to the noisy background chatter of my own thoughts that have once again woken me at 4 in the morning to start another day before most others rise.
perhaps it is a little odd, but since i am not working at present, the insomnia is rather an enjoyable feeling these days. on one level i am able to welcome in the days as they dawn, something i enjoy but infrequently do. but i’m also just now thinking that i am using sleep, or the lack thereof, as a way to exert some form of control in a time in my life where i feel at the centre of a vortex of uncertainty that comes with “being in between jobs”. each day i work to subdue the creeping anxiety that threatens to explode into panic at the thought that i do not have a job right now, and a part of me regrets the cavalier manner in which i put myself into the situation. and it takes a considerable amount of mental exercise to focus on the positive potential of where i am in now. two years ago, i made a few decisions that radically shifted my life, and i remember reveling in the power that came with the knowledge that i could make of myself, my life, what i wished. i have to go there again….i have to find that place of self-determination that comes from first, acknowledging what feeds my soul, and second, taking the steps to make my life what i want it to be. but first….first comes the reminder to myself that i have the ability to do this!
too damed intense for me right now. perhaps the juggling of 2 and a half jobs right now has something to do with it. whatever the cause, my energy is a swirling mass of tension and anxiety. i need to sloooowwww down….
this week – ramping up for a new year of work, a leaky nmachine, catching up on two contract jobs, a rather intense monologue to my colleagues containing my displeasure at their views of the world, and a minor car accident this morning on my way to work (the veritable last straw for my four wheeled companion of 10 years)….
on the good side – a call from an old friend….and i guess things could be worse (shhh….i don’t want to tempt the fates…).
wow…it has been a while. i feel like i’m back with an old friend now, this place where i can leave my words…
i have spent an over busy month learning (relearning) the lesson that i need to have balance in my life. very little is worth working as much as i did in the last four weeks….
it has been three months since i packed up my home, put it on the market, moved, and embarked on this new phase of my life. and how do i feel about it?…. well, i that will reveal itself over the nexts months and years….but right now, i’m loving it!
my head down into my work for the last year and life continues without me…..hmmm….gotta do something about that – yet again!
how many time have i wanted to come back here – to muse, to process, to celebrate, to write. i even wanted to create a “new” here. i created a new blog, but there was no sense of the authentic me in it, so i this blog will have to just reinvent itself….
yanno that phrase “if wishes were horses, i’d ride forever”…? that’s me these days. i wish, i wish, i wish…
but, the reality is that i have to deal with the fact that i’m in this town for another three months, doing work that i don’t love anymore (for a variety of reasons i won’t get into here…) wanting to be elsewhere, with other people, doing other things…getting on with my life dammit!
now, don’t get me wrong. there a few people here whose company i really enjoy but we will continue our friendships after i leave. we’ll be able to spend time together in the city. but that’s about it. there not much else here for me right now….just a house i don’t want, a job i don’t like (and yes a few people, i’d like to be farther away from…..)
but…i keep telling myseff that i’m here for a reason. besides the fact that i made this choice, there is something in this time for me to learn. well, i’m not so sure it’s patience. but, maybe months from now, i’ll look back and see what it is/was, and be thankful…maybe…..
i did it!
i was just offered the job i wanted in vancouver! i am so damn happy!…it’s so good. i know the work, i have more flexibility in my time, and i can do my masters for free…it’s good all around!
next step…sell the house, and i’m outta here!