months and years

the months and years have passed, as time is likely to do, in a flurry of appointments on a calendar, a yearning for weekends, more miles in my car than i even want to think about, and so much more.

three and a half years ago i changed the course of my life. I packed up, sold my house, and moved back to the city. since then it’s been a series of transitions – professional and personal- i think it’s all really personal though, even the professional. i’ve lost pieces of myself and gained… well, i’m not really sure….experience, complexity, and love come to mind. i am not the person i was, and i am thankful of that. in the changes i have grown… however, there are elements that i want to rekindle, elements of the irreverent, of the fearlessness, of the willingness to explore that are worth developing again. even these will not be the same. and of that i am glad as well….

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transitions…

the chirping of the birds seem loud this morning, but i suppose it is only the relative absence of other noises that highlights their calls. in vancouver at this time of the dawning day i still would hear the murmur of traffic, here at j.’s i am left instead to listen to only the click of the key board keys and the birds singing in the day…and to the noisy background chatter of my own thoughts that have once again woken me at 4 in the morning to start another day before most others rise.
perhaps it is a little odd, but since i am not working at present, the insomnia is rather an enjoyable feeling these days. on one level i am able to welcome in the days as they dawn, something i enjoy but infrequently do. but i’m also just now thinking that i am using sleep, or the lack thereof, as a way to exert some form of control in a time in my life where i feel at the centre of a vortex of uncertainty that comes with “being in between jobs”. each day i work to subdue the creeping anxiety that threatens to explode into panic at the thought that i do not have a job right now, and a part of me regrets the cavalier manner in which i put myself into the situation. and it takes a considerable amount of mental exercise to focus on the positive potential of where i am in now. two years ago, i made a few decisions that radically shifted my life, and i remember reveling in the power that came with the knowledge that i could make of myself, my life, what i wished. i have to go there again….i have to find that place of self-determination that comes from first, acknowledging what feeds my soul, and second, taking the steps to make my life what i want it to be. but first….first comes the reminder to myself that i have the ability to do this!

the pashupatinath temple

we walk past vendors with the popular yellow chrysanthemums and entre the uneven grounds of the pashupatinath temple, a hindu temple of the lord shiva on the bagmati river. as non-hindus we do not enter the temple, but instead briefly explore the area. 

below the temple is the arya ghat, a widely used cremation site. what was obviously once a flowing river is dried up this day.  boney cattle roam the soggy river bed, and a monkey scrounges for bits of dropped food. they are not the only scroungers though. two young boys are also loading onto an old rusted cart, chunks of burned wood that had been used in the cremations. i don’t know what the boys will use or sell the wood for, but it is obvious that this task is the result of the poverty they live with and in. i look at a skinny, almost hairless dog and wonder about its life. this place is hard to be in…

as we sit on the bank opposite the temple, we witness three cremations at different stages of completion.  the fire is mesmerizing and i think about what the mourners of the deceased are thinking as they go through what seems to be an elaborate process of bidding farewell to the fleshly existence of their friend or family member….

nepal is one of the poorer countries in the world, and it is a hard place for me to be. i  learn to become “hard”, to ignore the pleading of beggars, to not think about the young men asleep on the pavement that we step over on the way  to a restaurant, to act in a way that i think of as rude when confronted by aggressive vendors from the kashmir region.  i shall not forget this place. i will keep sharp memories of the dirt and dust, the poverty, the noise and the chaos of the lanes and roads. i will also smile when i think about the buddhist vendors (easily recognizable by their soft manners), the frequent power outages, and when i think about the garden of our guesthouse, a little oasis in a foreign land….

and a little friend we made who lives at the guesthouse… 🙂

balance

wow…it has been a while. i feel like i’m back with an old friend now, this place where i can leave my words…

i have spent an over busy month learning (relearning) the lesson that i need to have balance in my life. very little is worth working as much as i did in the last four weeks….

it has been three months since i packed up my home, put it on the market, moved, and embarked on this new phase of my life. and how do i feel about it?…. well, i that will reveal itself over the nexts months and years….but right now, i’m loving it!

whew…..

‘am tired….this heat has taken the wind out of my sails, so the unpacking and organizing of my apartment has been taking a long time…but, it’s getting there. i really think by tomorrow night i’ll be done – it’s a promise to myself. j is coming tomorrow eve too, and i want to be able to relax and enjoy the weekend without looking at the boxes yet to be unpacked and odds and ends yet to be organized….

was supposed to spend tonight with a couple of freinds and some wine, but had to post-pone (the tired thing…). i’ve finally started doing that – reconnecting with friends. spent a lovely hour or so yesterday at granville island with an old friend and and his family. their two daughters (aged 3 and 1) are characters who kept me laughing and smiling during most of brunch.

well, i’d better get to my task at hand….only 24 hours left until my self-imposed deadline of an organized apartment….wish me luck!

j.

whidbey island

peace...
peace...
evening solice...
evening solice...

 

bizmark
bizmark

i’ve been there twice now, to the house down the lane bordered by forest shrubbery, with the view of the ocean….

it’s quiet, only the sounds of the birds to wake me in the morning. there is little to do, and whatever it is can be decided after the morning coffee taken on the porch…

j makes me the coffee usually (i claim to not be able to use the expresso maker).  somewhere around lurks baby-girl, who, while being a girl cat, is definitely not a baby (think 72 year old crochety woman witha touch of arthritis). she is still leary of me… muffin, on the other hand (paw) is an attention slut, and is always willing to jump onto any available lap for a scratch. j is working on convincing her to not bring any more rodents (dead or otherwise) into the house, but she is a hunter at heart…

the evenings are quiet, j, me,, the cats, and occasionally, a’s special friend – that a picture of him above. although to be thruthful, he might be a she. biz was seen with a baby racoon a few months back…..

i hope to spend more weekends there. it’s a tonic to the noise and bustle of my new home. the three hour drive south is worth it to sit on that back porch, listen to the morning birds, stand out in the rain, watch the lightening, or talk to biz as he/she comes to help himself to the remains of the catfood.

oh, ya, and there is j too of course.. 😉

peace…