the chirping of the birds seem loud this morning, but i suppose it is only the relative absence of other noises that highlights their calls. in vancouver at this time of the dawning day i still would hear the murmur of traffic, here at j.’s i am left instead to listen to only the click of the key board keys and the birds singing in the day…and to the noisy background chatter of my own thoughts that have once again woken me at 4 in the morning to start another day before most others rise.
perhaps it is a little odd, but since i am not working at present, the insomnia is rather an enjoyable feeling these days. on one level i am able to welcome in the days as they dawn, something i enjoy but infrequently do. but i’m also just now thinking that i am using sleep, or the lack thereof, as a way to exert some form of control in a time in my life where i feel at the centre of a vortex of uncertainty that comes with “being in between jobs”. each day i work to subdue the creeping anxiety that threatens to explode into panic at the thought that i do not have a job right now, and a part of me regrets the cavalier manner in which i put myself into the situation. and it takes a considerable amount of mental exercise to focus on the positive potential of where i am in now. two years ago, i made a few decisions that radically shifted my life, and i remember reveling in the power that came with the knowledge that i could make of myself, my life, what i wished. i have to go there again….i have to find that place of self-determination that comes from first, acknowledging what feeds my soul, and second, taking the steps to make my life what i want it to be. but first….first comes the reminder to myself that i have the ability to do this!
seriously though, i tuned into her show for the first time on about a year and was so disappointed in her lack of understanding and perspective about the very serious issue of public education in the usa. with her new low of uninformed sensationalism she shows herself to be an official bandwagon jumper. not only is her lack of understanding of the issues in education is apparent, she has also provided a national platform to present an oversimplistic solution to complex problems. what a huge disservice she has done for the children she wants to support. a big “yuck” to her!
isn’t she supposed to be retiring? none to soon i think. perhaps she should try to be a teacher in an underfunded, demoralized public school…..she wouldn’t last long in the real world – that’s for sure!
too damed intense for me right now. perhaps the juggling of 2 and a half jobs right now has something to do with it. whatever the cause, my energy is a swirling mass of tension and anxiety. i need to sloooowwww down….
this week – ramping up for a new year of work, a leaky nmachine, catching up on two contract jobs, a rather intense monologue to my colleagues containing my displeasure at their views of the world, and a minor car accident this morning on my way to work (the veritable last straw for my four wheeled companion of 10 years)….
on the good side – a call from an old friend….and i guess things could be worse (shhh….i don’t want to tempt the fates…).
wow…it has been a while. i feel like i’m back with an old friend now, this place where i can leave my words…
i have spent an over busy month learning (relearning) the lesson that i need to have balance in my life. very little is worth working as much as i did in the last four weeks….
it has been three months since i packed up my home, put it on the market, moved, and embarked on this new phase of my life. and how do i feel about it?…. well, i that will reveal itself over the nexts months and years….but right now, i’m loving it!
i’ve been there twice now, to the house down the lane bordered by forest shrubbery, with the view of the ocean….
it’s quiet, only the sounds of the birds to wake me in the morning. there is little to do, and whatever it is can be decided after the morning coffee taken on the porch…
j makes me the coffee usually (i claim to not be able to use the expresso maker). somewhere around lurks baby-girl, who, while being a girl cat, is definitely not a baby (think 72 year old crochety woman witha touch of arthritis). she is still leary of me… muffin, on the other hand (paw) is an attention slut, and is always willing to jump onto any available lap for a scratch. j is working on convincing her to not bring any more rodents (dead or otherwise) into the house, but she is a hunter at heart…
the evenings are quiet, j, me,, the cats, and occasionally, a’s special friend – that a picture of him above. although to be thruthful, he might be a she. biz was seen with a baby racoon a few months back…..
i hope to spend more weekends there. it’s a tonic to the noise and bustle of my new home. the three hour drive south is worth it to sit on that back porch, listen to the morning birds, stand out in the rain, watch the lightening, or talk to biz as he/she comes to help himself to the remains of the catfood.
i did it. ‘am finally here. the move i have anticipated and planned for the past year has happened. twelve years later i have left rainy the north coast and am once again perched 9a, like a bird) in lightly less rainy south coast of bc. i’m a vancouver girl now!
the move is not quite complete, but hey, waddya expect when it started the way it did? hmmm, haven’t told you that story yet? well i’ll get to that soon enough….
but for now, i’m ensconsed in my new digs getting used to the traffic noise (no, not really – i’ll never get used to that….really!) wondering how in the hell i’m going to find places for all my crap in this little apartment.
so much to write, but my bed calls….mmm, this feels good – the blogging that is (what did you think i meant…?)
i slept for a solid six hours last night! if you know me, you’d know how unbelievable that is for me. six hours of not waking up (at least that i can remember…), definitely of not waking to go to the washroom….i’m not sure why it happened, but i am so glad it did. six hours in such a deep sleep that i hadn’t even thrown off the covers….
i wonder if my coma -ike sleep was the cause of my morning mood….i showered, dressed, checked out of my hotel room, and hopped aboard a bus to take me on a ferry from victoria to vancouver. and the day was spectacular…the sun shining, a cool breeze wafting from the ocean…and i was…well…smiling…inside and out…
so here i sit now, in my home-away-from-home hotel…my room overlooking the art gallery in vancouver, thankful for the day, for the glorious morning, the great lunch with family, and the understanding that this time of transition is such a gift…
yes, more transition…the move to the new city on the horizon, the new job, the unfolding of a new relationship, the ever-present evaluating, and learning to just “be” in my life…
i’m taking it easy tonight, a saturday night in the city…choosing to not spend it with company…choosing instead to relax and snuggle in my bed… and yes, hpong for another night of life-giving sleep….dormez bien mes amis…