the months and years have passed, as time is likely to do, in a flurry of appointments on a calendar, a yearning for weekends, more miles in my car than i even want to think about, and so much more.
three and a half years ago i changed the course of my life. I packed up, sold my house, and moved back to the city. since then it’s been a series of transitions – professional and personal- i think it’s all really personal though, even the professional. i’ve lost pieces of myself and gained… well, i’m not really sure….experience, complexity, and love come to mind. i am not the person i was, and i am thankful of that. in the changes i have grown… however, there are elements that i want to rekindle, elements of the irreverent, of the fearlessness, of the willingness to explore that are worth developing again. even these will not be the same. and of that i am glad as well….
and another year later.
some down time…some thinking time? probably not…but
drawn back to this page to blow gently on a spark, hoping to ignite the kindling…
yanno that phrase “if wishes were horses, i’d ride forever”…? that’s me these days. i wish, i wish, i wish…
but, the reality is that i have to deal with the fact that i’m in this town for another three months, doing work that i don’t love anymore (for a variety of reasons i won’t get into here…) wanting to be elsewhere, with other people, doing other things…getting on with my life dammit!
now, don’t get me wrong. there a few people here whose company i really enjoy but we will continue our friendships after i leave. we’ll be able to spend time together in the city. but that’s about it. there not much else here for me right now….just a house i don’t want, a job i don’t like (and yes a few people, i’d like to be farther away from…..)
but…i keep telling myseff that i’m here for a reason. besides the fact that i made this choice, there is something in this time for me to learn. well, i’m not so sure it’s patience. but, maybe months from now, i’ll look back and see what it is/was, and be thankful…maybe…..
a sad afternoon….
tears begin to fall. knowledge in pictures hurts sometimes. remembering losses…
when i choose it, i enjoy my time alone…but when i don’t, the anxiousness creeps back and sinks its claws in to my shoulders…
i know what i want, those desires only acknowleged in the deep hours of the night, when we need to find our reasons for being… i want someone to hold me in the night when i am cold… to stand behind me and wrap arms around my waist, laughing softly in my ear….to play with me….to stop me when i try to hide….to laugh with me….to remind me of how spectacular i am when i doubt….to challenge me when i do not acknowledge my truth….to revel in the love i give…..to be my touchstone so i can explore the world….to see through, and into me….to live an extraordinary life with me….
it’s not too often that i am really surprised, but recently i was…..of course it had to do with my assumptions about people, but then again doesn’t every surprise begin that way? we make assumptions about how things are, or should be, and we are wrong….
same with disappointment…we have an expectation, and it isn’t fulfilled…..to poorly paraphrase the buddha, i suppose the heart of most out our angst and pain is having expectations….(or is that existentialism, or some psychological theory? ….ah, it all blends together after a while….).
in any case, back to what i was writing about… well, i have to preface even that a little more info. i choose to believe the best of people (well most of the time…. but i do try)…. and recently i learned a little more about someone i once cared about (a lot) that surprised and disappointed me. i came to realize (well, it was more like being hit over the head) that what i thought i knew of this person, was not really who she is. i realize that i had created an image of her that really wasn’t true….the heart that i thought of as huge and alive, is really harder and well… i don’t know…smaller, colder…? it’s sad, but it’s how she chooses to live her life…
she is out of my life now, completely, and for good. it’s sad, but ultimately it’s her loss (no, this isn’t just my narcisissm talking…well, maybe a little….). a part of me will miss her, but i know now that what i miss mostly is the person i thought she was….
what is it that moves me…? your belief in me…? the reflection i see of myself in your eyes…? the connecting of two bodies moving through each other…? the need of our souls to touch…? your difference…? your sameness…?