months and years

the months and years have passed, as time is likely to do, in a flurry of appointments on a calendar, a yearning for weekends, more miles in my car than i even want to think about, and so much more.

three and a half years ago i changed the course of my life. I packed up, sold my house, and moved back to the city. since then it’s been a series of transitions – professional and personal- i think it’s all really personal though, even the professional. i’ve lost pieces of myself and gained… well, i’m not really sure….experience, complexity, and love come to mind. i am not the person i was, and i am thankful of that. in the changes i have grown… however, there are elements that i want to rekindle, elements of the irreverent, of the fearlessness, of the willingness to explore that are worth developing again. even these will not be the same. and of that i am glad as well….

old habits…

almost two years with few words.

well, with some weeks (or months) in front of me with little else to occupy my mind, i suppose this is a good a time as any to begin again.

i’m thinking that this might be another significant shift, and while the thought of just beginning a new blog crossed my mind, it did not stay. my past is as much a part of the present as the future is….hmmm, there might be something worth thinking about in that statement…

 

and another year later….

my head down into my work for the last year and life continues without me…..hmmm….gotta do something about that – yet again!

how many time have i wanted to come back here – to muse, to process, to celebrate, to write. i even wanted to create a “new” here. i created a new blog, but there was no sense of the authentic me in it, so i this blog will have to just reinvent itself….

the dormancy in winter allows the seed to fortify itself to be born in the coming spring…

days into weeks, and weeks into months….

the time is meaningless…it is what we do, or don’t, that matters….

i miss it here, these pages, the time i take to write and process, to acknowledge, to mourn, and to celebrate with words the existance i have.

i have been distracted of late with trivial things, and changes not so trivial, with letting go getting mixed up with holding on… and with finding love, an imperfect love that has become a warm coat… a love that begs to be explored, to be given the chance to develop, to grow and evolve, as those who share it do the same..and in that place of tentativeness, of awkward burgeoning, the baggage of old gets to be unpacked once more….this time removing even more un-needed items….

and i miss those who touch my life by reading my words and by sharing theirs….

the dormancy of winter is a necessary thing…. spring would not exist as it does otherwise….

i promise to not be away so long again….

j.

processing….

in the last weeks, i had a few new readers of my blog. new people who are still learning who i am. a diverse, interesting group of people, they have little more in common than my perception of them as people i would enjoy spending time with…. and a concern for me after they read my posts of last weekend….

i usually feel emotions intensely; be it sorrow, joy, or even ennui, strong emotions tend to permeate and consume me. this is not to imply that i am a person who exhibits intense mood swings (it’s a rare ocassion that i’m not on a fairly even keel around people).  as i don’t think it fair to subject others to “moods”, when i’m down, i isolate myself and when i am able, i process how i’m feeling in my writing. sometimes the intensity of the darker places in my life peep through in my words, and if people are just beginning to know me, they worry about me.  what they will soon learn is as that usually as soon as i am am able to process my feelings through words, i am able to move through them, and on to the future…..

so, in short, i am as always, good…and thank-you …. 🙂

anonymity

i once thought to be anonymous on my blogs…thinking it would provide me with some sense of security. it was a part of a carfully constructed blanket that i wove around myself thinking it would keep me safe in this world….realize now that it blanket was in fact keeping me a part from the world and slowly smothering me…

when i finially put a profile pic of myself on my first blog, i felt at first overwhelming anxiety…i had, after all, moved out of a carefully controlled comfort zone…but i also felt a sense of liberation. i didn’t realize how powerful that sense would become. it built upon the changes that were occurring inside of me…changes that were helped along by the fact that i was putting my words out into the public realm, cracking open my soul and letting people glimpse in to the person i am, the struggles i deal with….

embracing life, for me, means being fully who i am, and not apologizing for or denying any part of me. so i put my pic on this blog (“a little about me” page) because my physical self has defined so much of my life, as any woman who has grown up large in a society that values smaller woman would understand.

I have met so many people in this world who try to deny who they are for the sake of others’ opinions, or dislike themselves so much that they need to hurt others to express their pain….it’s not for me anymore….not anymore….

i celebrate who i am, what i am, good and bad….it’s all in me….and it’s all me….