breathe….

i read a few words, written by another, and suddenly, my heart opens, and the tears flow…..i’d rather stay home this morning and follow where they lead….. but i pack it away, and move into my day….to hopefully be tapped into another time when i can take the feelings out, look at them, and hold them gently while they heal a little more…

i’d never understood that there are different kinds of grief, and that it can take so many forms. this one is more complicated than most people in my life know…..and i keep moving, trying to keep it at bay…..but then moments like this morning sneak up, and i know that i have healing to do…..and my heart is full because i know that i can do it, and that there are so many amazing people in my life who are there when i need them….

i write these words for the first time:

good-bye dad….you, who in not acknlowledging your own horrible pain, inflicted it on me….you, who apologized the only way you knew how….you, who are now gone…, you, who i miss….

i don’t know what to do with all my feelings now, how to redefine my life, how to say good-bye…..

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6 thoughts on “breathe….

  1. It has been said that the last sign of maturity is forgiving our parents for being human. That’s struck me as being too glib for be accurate, but for some it may be true enough to work.

  2. Saying goodbye to those we love is never easy but it becomes so much more complicated when the relationship with the person fell short of healthy, although I have gone through this very thing when my mother passed I have no words of wisdom for you. Perhaps it comes down to trusting yourself, allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions come up including anger and regret without guilt, allow yourself to know that in spite of his mistreatment of you he did love you and had many regrets himself for things he had done.

    Trust yourself to know that you know what you need and just let it happen, know you have many people who love you but most of all love yourself.
    We/I love you.

  3. I’ve had to think much on what to say here.

    You are far ahead of me with this, my dear friend…

    May each tear bring you one step closer to where you need to go!

    alan

  4. thursday, swann, and alan – it’s all a part of the process i know….and yes, i forgave, and i think he knew that too….i guess all the firsts after a loss are the rawest….and to each of you…thank-you 🙂

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