night time…

i sometimes wonder if it’s worth it, choosing to live each day in hope…..choosing to believe in people’s integrity, when experience tells me that there are many without it…..

i’ve chosen to take risks in life, because without risking, i will never know what might be….but i know that risking also means failing, and falling…..and most days i have faith that i will be able to pick myself up and carry on, choosing to let go of fear, and of pain…..but there are nights, like tonight, when i question my faith in myself…..it’s nights like this when i acknowledge the sadness that is a part of my soul, the sorrow that lives just always under the surface. it is a part of me. i try to honour it because it is a part of what makes me who i am, but it is hard….it threatens to overwhelm me sometimes and pull me into that place of greyness where the colours i paint in my world disappear….

….back to the integrity piece….i want to believe in people, that they mean what they say….but i also know that to truly believe that in reality, it is naive to think that everyone will behave with integrity, with honesty. it truth, i think it is actually rare to find those who do live their lives like that. i think i have found a few, who are a part of my life, and i hope to encounter more as i continue to explore the world….

but, in order to do that, i must get through this night, with its sadness, with its disappointment….and i have to find a way to decide that it is worth it, to live each day in hope…..

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