so what is it that has me leaving my personal writing for years at a time? I cannot seem to find the balance between professional and personal. I give my time to my professional life these days and i have been writing for that aspect of me. but the words that I want to express here on these virtual still live in my heart and mind. they still yearn for release.
is it that it is too challenging for me to switch back and forth between personal and professional, and that the gears don’t shift that quickly? or is that a challenge that exists only because I’ve created it myself?
i am …. i start to write that i am going to work on creating a better balance, but i recognize that over-used phrase and i understand that writing the intention as if it is going to happen in the future keeps me where i am.
instead, it is happening now…the balance happens now…
sushi and beers with an old friend…life has changed so much.
jesus f’n christ….people! if you have a complaint, gripe, bitch etc., take it to someone who can do something about it (if something can be done about it)….not just to the person in front of you. seriously! getting ridiculously tired of listening to irrelevant prettiness….ya a little tired and grouchy today…could ya tell? 🙂
the months and years have passed, as time is likely to do, in a flurry of appointments on a calendar, a yearning for weekends, more miles in my car than i even want to think about, and so much more.
three and a half years ago i changed the course of my life. I packed up, sold my house, and moved back to the city. since then it’s been a series of transitions – professional and personal- i think it’s all really personal though, even the professional. i’ve lost pieces of myself and gained… well, i’m not really sure….experience, complexity, and love come to mind. i am not the person i was, and i am thankful of that. in the changes i have grown… however, there are elements that i want to rekindle, elements of the irreverent, of the fearlessness, of the willingness to explore that are worth developing again. even these will not be the same. and of that i am glad as well….
and another year later.
some down time…some thinking time? probably not…but
drawn back to this page to blow gently on a spark, hoping to ignite the kindling…
the chirping of the birds seem loud this morning, but i suppose it is only the relative absence of other noises that highlights their calls. in vancouver at this time of the dawning day i still would hear the murmur of traffic, here at j.’s i am left instead to listen to only the click of the key board keys and the birds singing in the day…and to the noisy background chatter of my own thoughts that have once again woken me at 4 in the morning to start another day before most others rise.
perhaps it is a little odd, but since i am not working at present, the insomnia is rather an enjoyable feeling these days. on one level i am able to welcome in the days as they dawn, something i enjoy but infrequently do. but i’m also just now thinking that i am using sleep, or the lack thereof, as a way to exert some form of control in a time in my life where i feel at the centre of a vortex of uncertainty that comes with “being in between jobs”. each day i work to subdue the creeping anxiety that threatens to explode into panic at the thought that i do not have a job right now, and a part of me regrets the cavalier manner in which i put myself into the situation. and it takes a considerable amount of mental exercise to focus on the positive potential of where i am in now. two years ago, i made a few decisions that radically shifted my life, and i remember reveling in the power that came with the knowledge that i could make of myself, my life, what i wished. i have to go there again….i have to find that place of self-determination that comes from first, acknowledging what feeds my soul, and second, taking the steps to make my life what i want it to be. but first….first comes the reminder to myself that i have the ability to do this!