the chirping of the birds seem loud this morning, but i suppose it is only the relative absence of other noises that highlights their calls. in vancouver at this time of the dawning day i still would hear the murmur of traffic, here at j.’s i am left instead to listen to only the click of the key board keys and the birds singing in the day…and to the noisy background chatter of my own thoughts that have once again woken me at 4 in the morning to start another day before most others rise.
perhaps it is a little odd, but since i am not working at present, the insomnia is rather an enjoyable feeling these days. on one level i am able to welcome in the days as they dawn, something i enjoy but infrequently do. but i’m also just now thinking that i am using sleep, or the lack thereof, as a way to exert some form of control in a time in my life where i feel at the centre of a vortex of uncertainty that comes with “being in between jobs”. each day i work to subdue the creeping anxiety that threatens to explode into panic at the thought that i do not have a job right now, and a part of me regrets the cavalier manner in which i put myself into the situation. and it takes a considerable amount of mental exercise to focus on the positive potential of where i am in now. two years ago, i made a few decisions that radically shifted my life, and i remember reveling in the power that came with the knowledge that i could make of myself, my life, what i wished. i have to go there again….i have to find that place of self-determination that comes from first, acknowledging what feeds my soul, and second, taking the steps to make my life what i want it to be. but first….first comes the reminder to myself that i have the ability to do this!
Archive for the 'transitions' Category
transitions…
the pashupatinath temple
we walk past vendors with the popular yellow chrysanthemums and entre the uneven grounds of the pashupatinath temple, a hindu temple of the lord shiva on the bagmati river. as non-hindus we do not enter the temple, but instead briefly explore the area.
below the temple is the arya ghat, a widely used cremation site. what was obviously once a flowing river is dried up this day. boney cattle roam the soggy river bed, and a monkey scrounges for bits of dropped food. they are not the only scroungers though. two young boys are also loading onto an old rusted cart, chunks of burned wood that had been used in the cremations. i don’t know what the boys will use or sell the wood for, but it is obvious that this task is the result of the poverty they live with and in. i look at a skinny, almost hairless dog and wonder about its life. this place is hard to be in…
as we sit on the bank opposite the temple, we witness three cremations at different stages of completion. the fire is mesmerizing and i think about what the mourners of the deceased are thinking as they go through what seems to be an elaborate process of bidding farewell to the fleshly existence of their friend or family member….
nepal is one of the poorer countries in the world, and it is a hard place for me to be. i learn to become “hard”, to ignore the pleading of beggars, to not think about the young men asleep on the pavement that we step over on the way to a restaurant, to act in a way that i think of as rude when confronted by aggressive vendors from the kashmir region. i shall not forget this place. i will keep sharp memories of the dirt and dust, the poverty, the noise and the chaos of the lanes and roads. i will also smile when i think about the buddhist vendors (easily recognizable by their soft manners), the frequent power outages, and when i think about the garden of our guesthouse, a little oasis in a foreign land….
and a little friend we made who lives at the guesthouse… 
wings aloft
the butterfly farm is a unique experience. i quickly learn to look at plants with a more discerning eye. a surface glance usually misses the many butterflies alit upon leaves or branches.
balance
wow…it has been a while. i feel like i’m back with an old friend now, this place where i can leave my words…
i have spent an over busy month learning (relearning) the lesson that i need to have balance in my life. very little is worth working as much as i did in the last four weeks….
it has been three months since i packed up my home, put it on the market, moved, and embarked on this new phase of my life. and how do i feel about it?…. well, i that will reveal itself over the nexts months and years….but right now, i’m loving it!
whew…..
‘am tired….this heat has taken the wind out of my sails, so the unpacking and organizing of my apartment has been taking a long time…but, it’s getting there. i really think by tomorrow night i’ll be done – it’s a promise to myself. j is coming tomorrow eve too, and i want to be able to relax and enjoy the weekend without looking at the boxes yet to be unpacked and odds and ends yet to be organized….
was supposed to spend tonight with a couple of freinds and some wine, but had to post-pone (the tired thing…). i’ve finally started doing that – reconnecting with friends. spent a lovely hour or so yesterday at granville island with an old friend and and his family. their two daughters (aged 3 and 1) are characters who kept me laughing and smiling during most of brunch.
well, i’d better get to my task at hand….only 24 hours left until my self-imposed deadline of an organized apartment….wish me luck!
j.
whidbey island
peace...
evening solice...
bizmark
i’ve been there twice now, to the house down the lane bordered by forest shrubbery, with the view of the ocean….
it’s quiet, only the sounds of the birds to wake me in the morning. there is little to do, and whatever it is can be decided after the morning coffee taken on the porch…
j makes me the coffee usually (i claim to not be able to use the expresso maker). somewhere around lurks baby-girl, who, while being a girl cat, is definitely not a baby (think 72 year old crochety woman witha touch of arthritis). she is still leary of me… muffin, on the other hand (paw) is an attention slut, and is always willing to jump onto any available lap for a scratch. j is working on convincing her to not bring any more rodents (dead or otherwise) into the house, but she is a hunter at heart…
the evenings are quiet, j, me,, the cats, and occasionally, a’s special friend – that a picture of him above. although to be thruthful, he might be a she. biz was seen with a baby racoon a few months back…..
i hope to spend more weekends there. it’s a tonic to the noise and bustle of my new home. the three hour drive south is worth it to sit on that back porch, listen to the morning birds, stand out in the rain, watch the lightening, or talk to biz as he/she comes to help himself to the remains of the catfood.
oh, ya, and there is j too of course.. 
peace…
and….she’s back….
i did it. ‘am finally here. the move i have anticipated and planned for the past year has happened. twelve years later i have left rainy the north coast and am once again perched 9a, like a bird) in lightly less rainy south coast of bc. i’m a vancouver girl now!
the move is not quite complete, but hey, waddya expect when it started the way it did? hmmm, haven’t told you that story yet? well i’ll get to that soon enough….
but for now, i’m ensconsed in my new digs getting used to the traffic noise (no, not really – i’ll never get used to that….really!) wondering how in the hell i’m going to find places for all my crap in this little apartment.
so much to write, but my bed calls….mmm, this feels good – the blogging that is (what did you think i meant…?)
g’night for now
jo
days into weeks, and weeks into months….
the time is meaningless…it is what we do, or don’t, that matters….
i miss it here, these pages, the time i take to write and process, to acknowledge, to mourn, and to celebrate with words the existance i have.
i have been distracted of late with trivial things, and changes not so trivial, with letting go getting mixed up with holding on… and with finding love, an imperfect love that has become a warm coat… a love that begs to be explored, to be given the chance to develop, to grow and evolve, as those who share it do the same..and in that place of tentativeness, of awkward burgeoning, the baggage of old gets to be unpacked once more….this time removing even more un-needed items….
and i miss those who touch my life by reading my words and by sharing theirs….
the dormancy of winter is a necessary thing…. spring would not exist as it does otherwise….
i promise to not be away so long again….
j.
i can see the cherry blossoms….
i slept for a solid six hours last night! if you know me, you’d know how unbelievable that is for me. six hours of not waking up (at least that i can remember…), definitely of not waking to go to the washroom….i’m not sure why it happened, but i am so glad it did. six hours in such a deep sleep that i hadn’t even thrown off the covers….
i wonder if my coma -ike sleep was the cause of my morning mood….i showered, dressed, checked out of my hotel room, and hopped aboard a bus to take me on a ferry from victoria to vancouver. and the day was spectacular…the sun shining, a cool breeze wafting from the ocean…and i was…well…smiling…inside and out…
so here i sit now, in my home-away-from-home hotel…my room overlooking the art gallery in vancouver, thankful for the day, for the glorious morning, the great lunch with family, and the understanding that this time of transition is such a gift…
yes, more transition…the move to the new city on the horizon, the new job, the unfolding of a new relationship, the ever-present evaluating, and learning to just “be” in my life…
i’m taking it easy tonight, a saturday night in the city…choosing to not spend it with company…choosing instead to relax and snuggle in my bed… and yes, hpong for another night of life-giving sleep….dormez bien mes amis…
smile for me…
the giddiness subsides…into its place moves a sense of calm, of comfort, of acceptance, of discovery, of belonging…
this place is odd, the oddness of the new, the uncharted….the being with someone unlike any i have ever known. but uniqueness alone wouldn’t be enough…i’ve met a blended soul…feminine and masculine, romantic and irreverent, playful and thoughtful, questing and knowing…
there is something quiet, insistent , and special building…
