whidbey island

peace...

evening solice...

 

bizmark

i’ve been there twice now, to the house down the lane bordered by forest shrubbery, with the view of the ocean….

it’s quiet, only the sounds of the birds to wake me in the morning. there is little to do, and whatever it is can be decided after the morning coffee taken on the porch…

j makes me the coffee usually (i claim to not be able to use the expresso maker).  somewhere around lurks baby-girl, who, while being a girl cat, is definitely not a baby (think 72 year old crochety woman witha touch of arthritis). she is still leary of me… muffin, on the other hand (paw) is an attention slut, and is always willing to jump onto any available lap for a scratch. j is working on convincing her to not bring any more rodents (dead or otherwise) into the house, but she is a hunter at heart…

the evenings are quiet, j, me,, the cats, and occasionally, a’s special friend – that a picture of him above. although to be thruthful, he might be a she. biz was seen with a baby racoon a few months back…..

i hope to spend more weekends there. it’s a tonic to the noise and bustle of my new home. the three hour drive south is worth it to sit on that back porch, listen to the morning birds, stand out in the rain, watch the lightening, or talk to biz as he/she comes to help himself to the remains of the catfood.

oh, ya, and there is j too of course..

peace…

and….she’s back….

i did it. ‘am finally here. the move i have anticipated and planned for the past year has happened. twelve years later i have left rainy the north coast and am once again perched 9a, like a bird) in lightly less rainy south coast of bc. i’m a vancouver girl now!

the move is not quite complete, but hey, waddya expect when it started the way it did? hmmm, haven’t told you that story yet? well i’ll get to that soon enough….

but for now, i’m ensconsed in my new digs getting used to the traffic noise (no, not really – i’ll never get used to that….really!) wondering how in the hell i’m going to find places for all my crap in this little apartment.

so much to write, but my bed calls….mmm, this feels good – the blogging that is (what did you think i meant…?)

 

g’night for now

 

jo

i can see the cherry blossoms….

i slept for a solid six hours last night! if you know me, you’d know how unbelievable that is for me. six hours of not waking up (at least that i can remember…), definitely of not waking to go to the washroom….i’m not sure why it happened, but i am so glad it did. six hours in such a deep sleep that i hadn’t even thrown off the covers….

i wonder if my coma -ike sleep was the cause of my morning mood….i showered, dressed, checked out of my hotel room, and hopped aboard a bus to take me on a ferry from victoria to vancouver. and the day was spectacular…the sun shining, a cool breeze wafting from the ocean…and i was…well…smiling…inside and out…

so here i sit now, in my home-away-from-home hotel…my room overlooking the art gallery in vancouver, thankful for the day, for the glorious morning, the great lunch with family, and the understanding that this time of transition is such a gift…

yes, more transition…the move to the new city on the horizon, the new job, the unfolding of a new relationship, the ever-present evaluating, and learning to just “be” in my life…

i’m taking it easy tonight, a saturday night in the city…choosing to not spend it with company…choosing instead to relax and snuggle in my bed… and yes, hpong for another night of  life-giving sleep….dormez bien mes amis…

just bitching….

yanno that phrase  “if wishes were horses, i’d ride forever”…? that’s me these days.  i wish, i wish,  i wish…

but, the reality is that i have to deal with the fact that i’m in this town for another three months, doing work that i don’t love anymore (for a variety of reasons i won’t get into here…) wanting to be elsewhere, with other people, doing other things…getting on with my life dammit!

now, don’t get me wrong. there a few people here whose company i really enjoy but we will continue our friendships after i leave. we’ll be able to spend time together in the city. but that’s about it. there not much else here for me right now….just a house i don’t want, a job i don’t like (and yes a few people, i’d like to be farther away from…..)

but…i keep telling myseff that i’m here for a reason. besides the fact that i made this choice, there is something in this time for me to learn. well, i’m not so sure it’s patience. but, maybe months from now, i’ll look back and see what it is/was, and be thankful…maybe…..

the dance continues…

the music is slow, and sweet, and full of the light that radiates during the tentative beginnings of relationships, during the time when potential is vast, and possibilities endless. i want to breath slower, to force myself take my time with this… but i also want to jump in with my whole being…

we met…and were not out of each others’ presence for more than a moment or two for the following 48 hours… intense in a soft, easy way…

… this is special…

…..

a sad afternoon….

tears begin to fall. knowledge in pictures hurts sometimes. remembering losses…

when i  choose it, i enjoy my time alone…but when i don’t, the anxiousness creeps back and sinks its claws in to my shoulders…

i know what i want, those desires only acknowleged in the deep hours of the night, when we need to find our reasons for being… i want someone to hold me in the night when i am cold… to stand behind me and wrap arms around my waist, laughing softly in my ear….to play with me….to stop me when i try to hide….to laugh with me….to remind me of how spectacular i am when i doubt….to challenge me when i do not acknowledge my truth….to revel in the love i give…..to be my touchstone so i can explore the world….to see through, and into me….to live an extraordinary life with me….

yahoo…!

i did it!

i was just offered the job i wanted in vancouver! i am so damn happy!…it’s so good. i know the work, i have more flexibility in my time, and i can do my masters for free…it’s good all around!

 next step…sell the house, and i’m outta here!

ennui and cuddles…

well, it’s been a been a while….have been trying out new ventures, getting away for as many weekends as i can, visiting with family, re-evaluating some friendships, and rolling throught the highs and lows of love and sex….

i’ve also realized that i need more laughter in my life. there hasn’t been nearly enough lately…care to help with that?

it’s a bit of a down day today. just a bit of ennui i suppose…wishing it was four months from now, wishing i had someone to cuddle on the couch with here…ah well, it will come with time..i will make it happen (just not so much into loving the “patience” thing…)

so…i’ve also been exploring different aspect  of my sexuality lately…i won’t go into too much detail about it here….yet …but i will say that i’m surprising myself with a few things…

the quick and dirty…

well…here goes….

wickedly fun week-end in the city…i could go into details, but you’d never think the same of me… . let’s just say, some playful people and a little exploration… intrigued yet?

other than that, i am beyond tired, and no it’s not just from the week-end… i’ve been battling fatigue for a week now, the aching body, swiss cheese memory kind of fatigue. there is a lot going on mentally/emotionally and it is taking it’s toll i suppose. could it be that my continued living here is sucking every ounce of joy from my life? possibly….but there is more, and the catch 22 is that i’m just too tired to deal with it….

ah…i just want to go back to my week-end…maybe a little more on that when i’m energized again…

ouch…

it’s not too often that i am really surprised, but recently i was…..of course it had to do with my assumptions about people, but then again doesn’t every surprise begin that way? we make assumptions about how things are, or should be, and we are wrong….

same with disappointment…we have an expectation, and it isn’t fulfilled…..to poorly paraphrase the buddha, i suppose the heart of most out our angst and pain is having expectations….(or is that existentialism, or some psychological theory? ….ah, it all blends together after a while….).

in any case, back to what i was writing about… well, i have to preface even that a little more info. i choose to believe the best of people (well most of the time…. but i do try)…. and recently i learned  a little more about someone i once cared about (a lot) that surprised and disappointed me. i came to realize (well, it was more like being hit over the head) that what i thought i knew of this person, was not really who she is. i realize that i had created an image of her that really wasn’t true….the heart that i thought of as huge and alive, is really harder and well… i don’t know…smaller, colder…? it’s sad, but it’s how she chooses to live her life…

she is out of my life now, completely, and for good. it’s sad, but ultimately it’s her loss (no, this isn’t just my narcisissm talking…well, maybe a little….).  a part of me will miss her, but i know now that what i miss mostly is the person i thought she was….