the dormancy in winter allows the seed to fortify itself to be born in the coming spring…

days into weeks, and weeks into months….

the time is meaningless…it is what we do, or don’t, that matters….

i miss it here, these pages, the time i take to write and process, to acknowledge, to mourn, and to celebrate with words the existance i have.

i have been distracted of late with trivial things, and changes not so trivial, with letting go getting mixed up with holding on… and with finding love, an imperfect love that has become a warm coat… a love that begs to be explored, to be given the chance to develop, to grow and evolve, as those who share it do the same..and in that place of tentativeness, of awkward burgeoning, the baggage of old gets to be unpacked once more….this time removing even more un-needed items….

and i miss those who touch my life by reading my words and by sharing theirs….

the dormancy of winter is a necessary thing…. spring would not exist as it does otherwise….

i promise to not be away so long again….

j.

…..

a sad afternoon….

tears begin to fall. knowledge in pictures hurts sometimes. remembering losses…

when i  choose it, i enjoy my time alone…but when i don’t, the anxiousness creeps back and sinks its claws in to my shoulders…

i know what i want, those desires only acknowleged in the deep hours of the night, when we need to find our reasons for being… i want someone to hold me in the night when i am cold… to stand behind me and wrap arms around my waist, laughing softly in my ear….to play with me….to stop me when i try to hide….to laugh with me….to remind me of how spectacular i am when i doubt….to challenge me when i do not acknowledge my truth….to revel in the love i give…..to be my touchstone so i can explore the world….to see through, and into me….to live an extraordinary life with me….

habits…

mind
chatters,
and heart
spasms…

trying to hold on to
old habits
of existance…

while
spirit
waits
patiently
to be known…
and to

   just

          let

               go…

the quick and dirty…

well…here goes….

wickedly fun week-end in the city…i could go into details, but you’d never think the same of me… . let’s just say, some playful people and a little exploration… intrigued yet?

other than that, i am beyond tired, and no it’s not just from the week-end… i’ve been battling fatigue for a week now, the aching body, swiss cheese memory kind of fatigue. there is a lot going on mentally/emotionally and it is taking it’s toll i suppose. could it be that my continued living here is sucking every ounce of joy from my life? possibly….but there is more, and the catch 22 is that i’m just too tired to deal with it….

ah…i just want to go back to my week-end…maybe a little more on that when i’m energized again…

ouch…

it’s not too often that i am really surprised, but recently i was…..of course it had to do with my assumptions about people, but then again doesn’t every surprise begin that way? we make assumptions about how things are, or should be, and we are wrong….

same with disappointment…we have an expectation, and it isn’t fulfilled…..to poorly paraphrase the buddha, i suppose the heart of most out our angst and pain is having expectations….(or is that existentialism, or some psychological theory? ….ah, it all blends together after a while….).

in any case, back to what i was writing about… well, i have to preface even that a little more info. i choose to believe the best of people (well most of the time…. but i do try)…. and recently i learned  a little more about someone i once cared about (a lot) that surprised and disappointed me. i came to realize (well, it was more like being hit over the head) that what i thought i knew of this person, was not really who she is. i realize that i had created an image of her that really wasn’t true….the heart that i thought of as huge and alive, is really harder and well… i don’t know…smaller, colder…? it’s sad, but it’s how she chooses to live her life…

she is out of my life now, completely, and for good. it’s sad, but ultimately it’s her loss (no, this isn’t just my narcisissm talking…well, maybe a little….).  a part of me will miss her, but i know now that what i miss mostly is the person i thought she was….

father(s)

he came to her
in a dream,
whole,
both limbs
intact….

“tell them i’m okay”…

and i look at
his slippers
now on my feet…..
(mother gave
them to me
before
i left the house,
to hold
a good memory
of him)

i will cleanse them
soon,
and in the rising
of the smoke

let him go…

breathe….

i read a few words, written by another, and suddenly, my heart opens, and the tears flow…..i’d rather stay home this morning and follow where they lead….. but i pack it away, and move into my day….to hopefully be tapped into another time when i can take the feelings out, look at them, and hold them gently while they heal a little more…

i’d never understood that there are different kinds of grief, and that it can take so many forms. this one is more complicated than most people in my life know…..and i keep moving, trying to keep it at bay…..but then moments like this morning sneak up, and i know that i have healing to do…..and my heart is full because i know that i can do it, and that there are so many amazing people in my life who are there when i need them….

i write these words for the first time:

good-bye dad….you, who in not acknlowledging your own horrible pain, inflicted it on me….you, who apologized the only way you knew how….you, who are now gone…, you, who i miss….

i don’t know what to do with all my feelings now, how to redefine my life, how to say good-bye…..

water

she pulls at me,

twirling and swirling

around my body,

beseeching

me to join

her….

 

deceptively

sensuous,

inviting…

deadly

in her yearning…..

night time…

i sometimes wonder if it’s worth it, choosing to live each day in hope…..choosing to believe in people’s integrity, when experience tells me that there are many without it…..

i’ve chosen to take risks in life, because without risking, i will never know what might be….but i know that risking also means failing, and falling…..and most days i have faith that i will be able to pick myself up and carry on, choosing to let go of fear, and of pain…..but there are nights, like tonight, when i question my faith in myself…..it’s nights like this when i acknowledge the sadness that is a part of my soul, the sorrow that lives just always under the surface. it is a part of me. i try to honour it because it is a part of what makes me who i am, but it is hard….it threatens to overwhelm me sometimes and pull me into that place of greyness where the colours i paint in my world disappear….

….back to the integrity piece….i want to believe in people, that they mean what they say….but i also know that to truly believe that in reality, it is naive to think that everyone will behave with integrity, with honesty. it truth, i think it is actually rare to find those who do live their lives like that. i think i have found a few, who are a part of my life, and i hope to encounter more as i continue to explore the world….

but, in order to do that, i must get through this night, with its sadness, with its disappointment….and i have to find a way to decide that it is worth it, to live each day in hope…..

time

it comes in fits and spurts….surfacing when i stop finding ways to distract myself…in the moments when i let my guard down….

yesterday i just felt so sad….sad for so much….then i stopped, and got busy, distracting myself again. it feels like a weight i am carrying….that i haven’t said good-bye yet, and i don’t know why.