from australia…

watch the vid…think…act…

stand for freedom

oxygen…

and another year later.
some down time…some thinking time? probably not…but
drawn back to this page to blow gently on a spark, hoping to ignite the kindling…

just bitching….

yanno that phrase  “if wishes were horses, i’d ride forever”…? that’s me these days.  i wish, i wish,  i wish…

but, the reality is that i have to deal with the fact that i’m in this town for another three months, doing work that i don’t love anymore (for a variety of reasons i won’t get into here…) wanting to be elsewhere, with other people, doing other things…getting on with my life dammit!

now, don’t get me wrong. there a few people here whose company i really enjoy but we will continue our friendships after i leave. we’ll be able to spend time together in the city. but that’s about it. there not much else here for me right now….just a house i don’t want, a job i don’t like (and yes a few people, i’d like to be farther away from…..)

but…i keep telling myseff that i’m here for a reason. besides the fact that i made this choice, there is something in this time for me to learn. well, i’m not so sure it’s patience. but, maybe months from now, i’ll look back and see what it is/was, and be thankful…maybe…..

…..

a sad afternoon….

tears begin to fall. knowledge in pictures hurts sometimes. remembering losses…

when i  choose it, i enjoy my time alone…but when i don’t, the anxiousness creeps back and sinks its claws in to my shoulders…

i know what i want, those desires only acknowleged in the deep hours of the night, when we need to find our reasons for being… i want someone to hold me in the night when i am cold… to stand behind me and wrap arms around my waist, laughing softly in my ear….to play with me….to stop me when i try to hide….to laugh with me….to remind me of how spectacular i am when i doubt….to challenge me when i do not acknowledge my truth….to revel in the love i give…..to be my touchstone so i can explore the world….to see through, and into me….to live an extraordinary life with me….

ouch…

it’s not too often that i am really surprised, but recently i was…..of course it had to do with my assumptions about people, but then again doesn’t every surprise begin that way? we make assumptions about how things are, or should be, and we are wrong….

same with disappointment…we have an expectation, and it isn’t fulfilled…..to poorly paraphrase the buddha, i suppose the heart of most out our angst and pain is having expectations….(or is that existentialism, or some psychological theory? ….ah, it all blends together after a while….).

in any case, back to what i was writing about… well, i have to preface even that a little more info. i choose to believe the best of people (well most of the time…. but i do try)…. and recently i learned  a little more about someone i once cared about (a lot) that surprised and disappointed me. i came to realize (well, it was more like being hit over the head) that what i thought i knew of this person, was not really who she is. i realize that i had created an image of her that really wasn’t true….the heart that i thought of as huge and alive, is really harder and well… i don’t know…smaller, colder…? it’s sad, but it’s how she chooses to live her life…

she is out of my life now, completely, and for good. it’s sad, but ultimately it’s her loss (no, this isn’t just my narcisissm talking…well, maybe a little….).  a part of me will miss her, but i know now that what i miss mostly is the person i thought she was….

what…

what is it that moves me…? your belief in me…? the reflection i see of myself in your eyes…? the connecting of two bodies moving through each other…? the need of  our souls to touch…? your difference…? your sameness…?

fire

dwelling with(in) me

and

with(out)

 

the fire

seeking oxygen

 

feeding

the flame

that will

consume me……

night time…

i sometimes wonder if it’s worth it, choosing to live each day in hope…..choosing to believe in people’s integrity, when experience tells me that there are many without it…..

i’ve chosen to take risks in life, because without risking, i will never know what might be….but i know that risking also means failing, and falling…..and most days i have faith that i will be able to pick myself up and carry on, choosing to let go of fear, and of pain…..but there are nights, like tonight, when i question my faith in myself…..it’s nights like this when i acknowledge the sadness that is a part of my soul, the sorrow that lives just always under the surface. it is a part of me. i try to honour it because it is a part of what makes me who i am, but it is hard….it threatens to overwhelm me sometimes and pull me into that place of greyness where the colours i paint in my world disappear….

….back to the integrity piece….i want to believe in people, that they mean what they say….but i also know that to truly believe that in reality, it is naive to think that everyone will behave with integrity, with honesty. it truth, i think it is actually rare to find those who do live their lives like that. i think i have found a few, who are a part of my life, and i hope to encounter more as i continue to explore the world….

but, in order to do that, i must get through this night, with its sadness, with its disappointment….and i have to find a way to decide that it is worth it, to live each day in hope…..

play…

   “You are led

through your life time

  by the inner learning creature,

         the playful spiritual being

                that is your real self.”

 

                                   -richard bach

spaces….

if i let it all go (truly let it go, not just tell myself i have, while keeping a little corner packed full of regrets and desires, and maybes….) then i would float free….light….desirous of nothing, needing nothing…..to look down from the ethers and be able to say good-bye…..

i want to open up those closed little corners and sweep out those dratted maybes, those demanding desires, and those prickly regrets….set them free to live their own lives instead of taking up space in mine…..