whidbey island

peace...

evening solice...

 

bizmark

i’ve been there twice now, to the house down the lane bordered by forest shrubbery, with the view of the ocean….

it’s quiet, only the sounds of the birds to wake me in the morning. there is little to do, and whatever it is can be decided after the morning coffee taken on the porch…

j makes me the coffee usually (i claim to not be able to use the expresso maker).  somewhere around lurks baby-girl, who, while being a girl cat, is definitely not a baby (think 72 year old crochety woman witha touch of arthritis). she is still leary of me… muffin, on the other hand (paw) is an attention slut, and is always willing to jump onto any available lap for a scratch. j is working on convincing her to not bring any more rodents (dead or otherwise) into the house, but she is a hunter at heart…

the evenings are quiet, j, me,, the cats, and occasionally, a’s special friend – that a picture of him above. although to be thruthful, he might be a she. biz was seen with a baby racoon a few months back…..

i hope to spend more weekends there. it’s a tonic to the noise and bustle of my new home. the three hour drive south is worth it to sit on that back porch, listen to the morning birds, stand out in the rain, watch the lightening, or talk to biz as he/she comes to help himself to the remains of the catfood.

oh, ya, and there is j too of course..

peace…

ouch…

it’s not too often that i am really surprised, but recently i was…..of course it had to do with my assumptions about people, but then again doesn’t every surprise begin that way? we make assumptions about how things are, or should be, and we are wrong….

same with disappointment…we have an expectation, and it isn’t fulfilled…..to poorly paraphrase the buddha, i suppose the heart of most out our angst and pain is having expectations….(or is that existentialism, or some psychological theory? ….ah, it all blends together after a while….).

in any case, back to what i was writing about… well, i have to preface even that a little more info. i choose to believe the best of people (well most of the time…. but i do try)…. and recently i learned  a little more about someone i once cared about (a lot) that surprised and disappointed me. i came to realize (well, it was more like being hit over the head) that what i thought i knew of this person, was not really who she is. i realize that i had created an image of her that really wasn’t true….the heart that i thought of as huge and alive, is really harder and well… i don’t know…smaller, colder…? it’s sad, but it’s how she chooses to live her life…

she is out of my life now, completely, and for good. it’s sad, but ultimately it’s her loss (no, this isn’t just my narcisissm talking…well, maybe a little….).  a part of me will miss her, but i know now that what i miss mostly is the person i thought she was….

d…

i developed a crush on him when we first met over ten years ago …. he made me laugh, noticed me when i felt invisible, said i could sing….

in the years in between then and now he came to be a part of my family. we see each other only sporatically, but each time, i  feel my heart smile in his company

the crush is gone now, but little did i know that one day he would come to mean so much to me…. he has let me look into his heart, he was there for me when i needed someone, he does not judge……and i am thankful….

processing….

in the last weeks, i had a few new readers of my blog. new people who are still learning who i am. a diverse, interesting group of people, they have little more in common than my perception of them as people i would enjoy spending time with…. and a concern for me after they read my posts of last weekend….

i usually feel emotions intensely; be it sorrow, joy, or even ennui, strong emotions tend to permeate and consume me. this is not to imply that i am a person who exhibits intense mood swings (it’s a rare ocassion that i’m not on a fairly even keel around people).  as i don’t think it fair to subject others to “moods”, when i’m down, i isolate myself and when i am able, i process how i’m feeling in my writing. sometimes the intensity of the darker places in my life peep through in my words, and if people are just beginning to know me, they worry about me.  what they will soon learn is as that usually as soon as i am am able to process my feelings through words, i am able to move through them, and on to the future…..

so, in short, i am as always, good…and thank-you ….

an unconventional thanksgiving…

no turkey for me…it was a trip to vancouver instead, spending some time with some family, and an evening with nerdgirl ….

the highlites:

four new pairs of heels….(imelda wannabe?

fabulous steak dinner, great conversation and laughs, a bottle of scotch (not such a good thing the next morning…), and two tix to a canucks game next weekend!!!

sitting on the steps of the vancouver art gallery at 2 in the morning, people watching, eating mcdonald’s fries……

sunday night watching (and talking with) beautiful women taking their off clothes (well, most of their clothes anyhow….), meeting new people, sharing very scintillating stories, and laughing……

and as for thanksgiving dinner….sushi….what else? oh wait, i think there was a meal at denny’s in the wee hours of the morning….i have memories of a cheescake milkshake….. it seemed worth giving thanks for at the time…..

two new friends…

one very dear friend,  and two new ones….

How life has changed...:)

thoughts from last friday…

ontario and two friends…

i ran away from home this week. away from the thought of returning to work, or returning to my life. i ran here to toronto, just for a few days, just to take another breath…and i have it. i found it in two special friends…

patti….we see each other only periodically….months and months go by without contact….but she is there….we pick up as if we never left off….

she picked me up fom the airport and we spent a few hours catching up…well, i did most of the talking (she is patient with me)… the next day we sat by her garden, the sun shining, eating the edemame she had grown herself, marvelling at the beauty of the delicate leafbug she happened upon. i met her 2 amazing little girls again….

with no judgement, she listens, she accepts, she celebrates…her love is intense, it is real. i am honured that she is in my life….

damien….a former room-mate…my oldest friend…we are in each others lives for good…no amount of time will change that….he is a part of my past, my present, and my future…

i remember our past as i see him now, and marvel at how he has created his life, the life he shares with his partner and their two sons….

a midnight swim in the pool, cigarellos, a 12 year old bottle of scotch, and a soak in the hot-tub….medicine indeed for a restless soul….

breakfast and coffee in the backyard (thank-you mike), a hug from their 2 sweet boys, and i’m off again…..

tonight i sit here in a beautiful hotel room, glass of red wine, and my thoughts….it’s a friday night in toronto. i had thought to go out to a club or a bar and find some adventure…instead, i chose to order room-service, and have a hot bath….

i’m thinking about patti and damien and their families, and about other friends who choose to be in my life…..like e.b. who writes to reminds me that she’s glad i’m in her life, like e.c. who is as much friend as family….like r.s. who just patiently accepts, and has been there for me when i finally let her….and about the friends that have lost contact..who have floated away….

a dirty martini helps..

 

“i know how it feels. you feel like you’re outside a window, looking in on a party that you’re not invited to.”

 

“yes,” i acknowledged….”yes.”

 

and that’s all it took…knowing that someone else has felt the same way…and knowing that i can give voice to my feelings (no matter how illogical they seem, no matter how childish they are…) without judgment, without negation….with instead, just acceptance….

 

that’s all it took….well, almost all…at triple vodka martini with extra olives helped too….:)