he came to her
in a dream,
whole,
both limbs
intact….
“tell them i’m okay”…
and i look at
his slippers
now on my feet…..
(mother gave
them to me
before
i left the house,
to hold
a good memory
of him)
i will cleanse them
soon,
and in the rising
of the smoke
let him go…
i read a few words, written by another, and suddenly, my heart opens, and the tears flow…..i’d rather stay home this morning and follow where they lead….. but i pack it away, and move into my day….to hopefully be tapped into another time when i can take the feelings out, look at them, and hold them gently while they heal a little more…
i’d never understood that there are different kinds of grief, and that it can take so many forms. this one is more complicated than most people in my life know…..and i keep moving, trying to keep it at bay…..but then moments like this morning sneak up, and i know that i have healing to do…..and my heart is full because i know that i can do it, and that there are so many amazing people in my life who are there when i need them….
i write these words for the first time:
good-bye dad….you, who in not acknlowledging your own horrible pain, inflicted it on me….you, who apologized the only way you knew how….you, who are now gone…, you, who i miss….
i don’t know what to do with all my feelings now, how to redefine my life, how to say good-bye…..
i developed a crush on him when we first met over ten years ago …. he made me laugh, noticed me when i felt invisible, said i could sing….
in the years in between then and now he came to be a part of my family. we see each other only sporatically, but each time, i feel my heart smile in his company
the crush is gone now, but little did i know that one day he would come to mean so much to me…. he has let me look into his heart, he was there for me when i needed someone, he does not judge……and i am thankful….
no turkey for me…it was a trip to vancouver instead, spending some time with some family, and an evening with nerdgirl ….
the highlites:
four new pairs of heels….(imelda wannabe?
fabulous steak dinner, great conversation and laughs, a bottle of scotch (not such a good thing the next morning…), and two tix to a canucks game next weekend!!!
sitting on the steps of the vancouver art gallery at 2 in the morning, people watching, eating mcdonald’s fries……
sunday night watching (and talking with) beautiful women taking their off clothes (well, most of their clothes anyhow….), meeting new people, sharing very scintillating stories, and laughing……
and as for thanksgiving dinner….sushi….what else? oh wait, i think there was a meal at denny’s in the wee hours of the morning….i have memories of a cheescake milkshake….. it seemed worth giving thanks for at the time….. 
it comes in fits and spurts….surfacing when i stop finding ways to distract myself…in the moments when i let my guard down….
yesterday i just felt so sad….sad for so much….then i stopped, and got busy, distracting myself again. it feels like a weight i am carrying….that i haven’t said good-bye yet, and i don’t know why.
auntie gloria….
i say this prayer to you now…
hold your sister gently and firm,
cradle her in your love
as she wanders lost,
trying to find a foothold
again…
comfort her
even as she cannot be,
fill her soul
so she can use your strength
to walk the days ahead
until she
can learn
to fly…
don’t let the smile fool you…he knows he runs the world…..and one day he just might….
the words have been waiting…swirling around the edges of my consciousness for days now…the long days of the past week….
last monday a phone call from my mother…my father was in icu, critically ill. she was scared. she’d let me know the next day how he was doing….
my father had a kidney disease and had been on dialysis for many years now, awaiting a transplant. in july he had his second leg amputated. now, there was an infection…..
monday night i decided i’d better fly home. he’d been in icu before due to other health complications, and i figured that he’s pull through this time as well. but either way, my mom needed her children there.
on tuesday the next phone call. “he is really bad…they may have to intubate him”. dreaded words for my mother to have had to say. it was the death knell for her brother who had died last year. i spent a busy day at work preparing to be away the rest of the week. another call in the afternoon. “they are intubating him”. if i wanted to talk to him before he was sedated, i would have to be there very soon. i told here that i would be there late that night, the soonest my flight could arrive. when i saw him the next day, i saw a smaller, weaker version of the man i’d always known. it was the first time i’d seen him since the second amputation….the shape of two half legs under the hospital blanket….tubes connected to his body….his face contorted from the tight straps holding the tubes down his throat…he had sepsis. the infection in what was left of his leg had spread through his body….
my mother was now a woman i’d never known before. she was a frightened shell of the robust, optimistic woman i’d always known. she was scared. and in her eyes lay the haunting vision of the man flailing in pain she’d seen before he was sedated, the man who said he was afraid of dying, the man whose eyes she described as those of a deer caught in headlights moments before he lost consciousness…
some family had arrived before me, and more came in the following days. we all took turns by his bedside, two at a time according to icu policy, donning the gloves, masks, and gowns required to limit the spread of infection, while others waited in the room down the hall, trying to alleviate our worries by making jokes at each other’s expense…a long held family habit…
the days were a roller coaster ride, moments of optimism when his fever lessoned, and vital signs were stable, followed by periods of despair when his fever worsened or no progress at all was seen. the waiting, the not knowing wearing each family member and friend down layer by layer. still, we clung to any and every hope of recovery.
the last hope came saturday….do another amputation farther up his leg, hopefully removing a large part of the infection and allowing the antibiotics to work better on the rest of his body. this could only be done though if it had not already affected his heart.
and we had the family talk. what to do if the worst scenario happened -no hope of recovery, and dad alive because of life support only….we knew his wishes. he was a man who lived his life with dignity, and wanted to pass on the same way….
the next morning, my mother already at the hospital first thing, as she had been every day for a week now. my brothers with her….others of us, puttering around at home. many of us, optimistic that the operation would work, were heading back home for a few days, planning to return the following week-end. my flight was that afternoon. i would drive back in two days to help my mother and father in his recovery….
then the phone call. my brother “come up to the hospital as soon as you can. we just signed the dnr”….minutes later, all family and freinds in a hospital conference room. “they can’t do the operation. two doctors flew up from vancouver. his heart has already been affected by the infection”……
my mother, two brothers, sister and i in a small room, making the next decision….medication was the only thing keeping his blood pressure from crashing yet again….he could no longer be given dialysis….he would ony continue to swell with the fluids that could no longer be removed from his body….there was no hope….we had to decide to let him go…..
over the next hour the medication would slowly be decreased, which would cause his blood pressure to fall until his heart finally stopped. at that point only would his oxygen be turned off….
gowned, masked, and gloved, we encircled my father’s bed for the next hour and a half. we filled the room watching what was left of his life slipping away…. he died at 10:30 a.m. on sunday, september 14th, 2008, at the age of 61.
tonight, the house has been filled with people coming and going, as they have been since sunday. relatives have been arriving since last night, and more will be here in the morning. tomorrow afternoon we gather to say our collective good-byes….we gather amid tears and grief to try to celebrate my father’s life.
i hear laughter right now flitering in from the living room, as i sit here in a bedroom just beginning to process the last days through words, as i process so much of my life….laughter is how our family holds itself together. we find the joys in life, and hold on to them with every once of determination we have….and i hear music, as one of my mother’s brothers plays his guitar….and some family members sing along…the music a medium for the love we hold onto to carry us through tomorrow and the days beyond….
one very dear friend, and two new ones….
How life has changed...:)
ontario and two friends…
i ran away from home this week. away from the thought of returning to work, or returning to my life. i ran here to toronto, just for a few days, just to take another breath…and i have it. i found it in two special friends…
patti….we see each other only periodically….months and months go by without contact….but she is there….we pick up as if we never left off….
she picked me up fom the airport and we spent a few hours catching up…well, i did most of the talking (she is patient with me)… the next day we sat by her garden, the sun shining, eating the edemame she had grown herself, marvelling at the beauty of the delicate leafbug she happened upon. i met her 2 amazing little girls again….
with no judgement, she listens, she accepts, she celebrates…her love is intense, it is real. i am honured that she is in my life….
damien….a former room-mate…my oldest friend…we are in each others lives for good…no amount of time will change that….he is a part of my past, my present, and my future…
i remember our past as i see him now, and marvel at how he has created his life, the life he shares with his partner and their two sons….
a midnight swim in the pool, cigarellos, a 12 year old bottle of scotch, and a soak in the hot-tub….medicine indeed for a restless soul….
breakfast and coffee in the backyard (thank-you mike), a hug from their 2 sweet boys, and i’m off again…..
tonight i sit here in a beautiful hotel room, glass of red wine, and my thoughts….it’s a friday night in toronto. i had thought to go out to a club or a bar and find some adventure…instead, i chose to order room-service, and have a hot bath….
i’m thinking about patti and damien and their families, and about other friends who choose to be in my life…..like e.b. who writes to reminds me that she’s glad i’m in her life, like e.c. who is as much friend as family….like r.s. who just patiently accepts, and has been there for me when i finally let her….and about the friends that have lost contact..who have floated away….
