what…

what is it that moves me…? your belief in me…? the reflection i see of myself in your eyes…? the connecting of two bodies moving through each other…? the need of  our souls to touch…? your difference…? your sameness…?

oh yes…

in case you might have been wondering….

two fabulous first ”dates”…. i say “first” in anticipation of more….

what did these dates have in common? intelligent, interesting, unconventional people…. and facets of my being that are just beginning to be explored….

limbo

odd days these…ending of a calendar year…welcoming of the light…

odder yet for me…jumping off those cliffs, feeling buffeted to and fro by the prevailing winds…can’t see where i might set down… hoping loved ones will be there to catch me when i do…

the body has had a bug…(still does)…and the mind…?  tired, sad, lost, curious, anticipating, wonderous…working at finding peace amid the noise…

seriously…

well, maybe not so seriously….

three dates (i use the word in its loosest sense)  lined up…next week

[one is with an incredibly brilliant, if perhaps [no, not perhaps], eccentric “maker”…)

an all-night solstice celebration tomorrow night…meeting new friends…

i’m serious about jumping off cliffs… and i have no idea what i’ll be landing on…

maybe i should’ve thought about a parachute…

fuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

angst eating me… screaming at the moon…primal urges surfacing…emotions welling…

chaotic thinking…ocd rearing …ego having tantrums…

and still…and still…

life…yearning…

i’m jumping off cliffs…

care to jump with me?

 

the aforementioned brought to you by the letter “f”….and jo’s need for self-expression…..

father(s)

he came to her
in a dream,
whole,
both limbs
intact….

“tell them i’m okay”…

and i look at
his slippers
now on my feet…..
(mother gave
them to me
before
i left the house,
to hold
a good memory
of him)

i will cleanse them
soon,
and in the rising
of the smoke

let him go…

raven…

ganhada di pdeegu

do i claim affinity
with
trickster?

an altering,
alternate
self?

what would
the
world
be like
if
txamsm
had been
a woman?

breathe….

i read a few words, written by another, and suddenly, my heart opens, and the tears flow…..i’d rather stay home this morning and follow where they lead….. but i pack it away, and move into my day….to hopefully be tapped into another time when i can take the feelings out, look at them, and hold them gently while they heal a little more…

i’d never understood that there are different kinds of grief, and that it can take so many forms. this one is more complicated than most people in my life know…..and i keep moving, trying to keep it at bay…..but then moments like this morning sneak up, and i know that i have healing to do…..and my heart is full because i know that i can do it, and that there are so many amazing people in my life who are there when i need them….

i write these words for the first time:

good-bye dad….you, who in not acknlowledging your own horrible pain, inflicted it on me….you, who apologized the only way you knew how….you, who are now gone…, you, who i miss….

i don’t know what to do with all my feelings now, how to redefine my life, how to say good-bye…..

(m)ad (h)atter

there
was a time
when what i
thought
mattered,
(did)…..
and now
it doesn’t …..
and
there will be
another
time
when what matters
now
…..won’t.

so…..
does what matter
to me now
matter…..?

say it enough times and nothing (matters)…..

d…

i developed a crush on him when we first met over ten years ago …. he made me laugh, noticed me when i felt invisible, said i could sing….

in the years in between then and now he came to be a part of my family. we see each other only sporatically, but each time, i  feel my heart smile in his company

the crush is gone now, but little did i know that one day he would come to mean so much to me…. he has let me look into his heart, he was there for me when i needed someone, he does not judge……and i am thankful….