planes, trains, and automobiles….

“just take a deep breathe and relax”…..well, i can imagine that being said in so many situations more pleasurable than today’s.

i was supposed to go to victoria this morning to meet a couple of people i have been wanting to meet for some time now. but instead, my flight was cancelled. now if i’d been thinking, i could have rebooked on another air line (which was apparently flying), but didn’t even think of it at the time! wanting to at least try to enjoy a few hours of the rest of the day in vancouver then, i put my energy into figuring out how to change my victoria-rupert flight to vancouver-rupert. sounds simple enough, right? that’s what i thought. to make a linf story short, two, somewhat snitty, agents said that was impossible. i’d have to cancel the original  booking and rebook a new flight. it would, of course cost much more money….(given the lateness of the new booking). so, i decided, what the hell, i’d take the ferry over to victoria, enjoy the afternoon (sadly, minus the people i was supposed to meet) and take my original flight home…..but then, after getting to the ferry termimal, i hear that the weather is worsening, and some flights in/out of victoira are “iffY’, so i decided i’d better just stay in vancouver……

so here i am, hours to go before i leave, the day wasted…..and what is even more annoying is that i had to get up early instead of spending a leisurely morning lounging around with a new friend…..(but that’s a whole other post…).

p.s. guess what….? when i showed up at the airport, and spoke to an agent here in person explaining that i needed to cancel my original booking and rebook from here, guess what he said? “why don’t you just cancel the victoria-vancouver portion? it’ll be simple and you won’t have to pay anything extra….” go figure….!

oh, by the way..my last trip three weeks ago? …..my flight from vancouver to ‘rupert got turned around mid-air and returned to vancouver due to ice build up on the wings….in order to get home the same day i had to rebook to terrace, and get a ride to ‘rupert from there….. maybe i should stay home for a while…..

wind…

she is alive…

hearing her howl,

feeling her wrath

snake

         through me…

 

there are

stories

of her,

told to children,

heard

      from the trees…

 

older than the mountains,

she is force,

she is fear,

she is life,

 

i bow

         humbled…

polyamory

isn’t the diversity of this world a wonderously amazing thing…..

random thoughts on a stormy night….

friday night…curled up in my chair relaxing, thinking of the coming week and beyond….

this week i head to vancouver again…..a meeting, a couple of workships to give, a couple of friends to spend time with, an opportunity to maybe make a new friend or two…. and a quick trip to victoria for brunch (you can ask, but i’m not going to tell why….). i’ll just say that i’m looking forward to the coming travel….

and the beyond….? plans for the holidays…a trip to baltimore/washington dc….new years eve in vancouver… spring vacation…selling my house…new work experiences to wrap up my 11 years here…and then moving south to a new job, a rented apartment, and the my life’s next adventure….

step one….

well, i put the application in the mail…..now the waiting begins to find out of i will get the job……the next step is a little touch-up painting to the house and putting it on the market in the spring…..

steps closer to the big move….

processing….

in the last weeks, i had a few new readers of my blog. new people who are still learning who i am. a diverse, interesting group of people, they have little more in common than my perception of them as people i would enjoy spending time with…. and a concern for me after they read my posts of last weekend….

i usually feel emotions intensely; be it sorrow, joy, or even ennui, strong emotions tend to permeate and consume me. this is not to imply that i am a person who exhibits intense mood swings (it’s a rare ocassion that i’m not on a fairly even keel around people).  as i don’t think it fair to subject others to “moods”, when i’m down, i isolate myself and when i am able, i process how i’m feeling in my writing. sometimes the intensity of the darker places in my life peep through in my words, and if people are just beginning to know me, they worry about me.  what they will soon learn is as that usually as soon as i am am able to process my feelings through words, i am able to move through them, and on to the future…..

so, in short, i am as always, good…and thank-you ….

water

she pulls at me,

twirling and swirling

around my body,

beseeching

me to join

her….

 

deceptively

sensuous,

inviting…

deadly

in her yearning…..

fire

dwelling with(in) me

and

with(out)

 

the fire

seeking oxygen

 

feeding

the flame

that will

consume me……

night time…

i sometimes wonder if it’s worth it, choosing to live each day in hope…..choosing to believe in people’s integrity, when experience tells me that there are many without it…..

i’ve chosen to take risks in life, because without risking, i will never know what might be….but i know that risking also means failing, and falling…..and most days i have faith that i will be able to pick myself up and carry on, choosing to let go of fear, and of pain…..but there are nights, like tonight, when i question my faith in myself…..it’s nights like this when i acknowledge the sadness that is a part of my soul, the sorrow that lives just always under the surface. it is a part of me. i try to honour it because it is a part of what makes me who i am, but it is hard….it threatens to overwhelm me sometimes and pull me into that place of greyness where the colours i paint in my world disappear….

….back to the integrity piece….i want to believe in people, that they mean what they say….but i also know that to truly believe that in reality, it is naive to think that everyone will behave with integrity, with honesty. it truth, i think it is actually rare to find those who do live their lives like that. i think i have found a few, who are a part of my life, and i hope to encounter more as i continue to explore the world….

but, in order to do that, i must get through this night, with its sadness, with its disappointment….and i have to find a way to decide that it is worth it, to live each day in hope…..